Bleeding At The Soul
by Normryl
Summary: Sometimes you can't tell how much trouble someone's in until their head goes underwater. HBK & HHH. No Slash.
1. Blood Stains

**Title: Bleeding At The Soul**

**Author:** Therm/Sparkle (I'm the same person!)

**Summary:** Sometimes you can't tell how much trouble someone's in until their head goes underwater.

**Warnings:** There will very likely be some rather adult themes, a little dark, dreary and a bit depressing. Maybe some language later on and a bit of blood thrown in for good measure.

**Notes: **Set in Triple H's POV

I don't own any of these people in this story. I am using these people as characters, like you see on TV, not as a representation of the real people.

For anyone who read 'Nothing To Prove' and commented, I thank you all. You have helped me write this story. Apologies that this takes a rather different, more serious turn.

The quotes used for each chapter usually come from a song, but some from the first 3 or 4 chapters are from a website about self harming and depression. I take my fan fic very seriously and research everything!

_'If they tell you she dies of sleeping pills you must know that she dies of a** wasting grief**, **of a slow bleeding at the sou**l.' _

_-Clifford Odets_

**Blood Stains**

_**Blood stained**__ knives, all alone... dripping, with tears alike, hoping someone will ease the pain... __but they never do.'_

I should have seen it coming.

Even now, a few hours later, I can't see how this managed to sneak up on me, undetected. I guess it's easy to see things like this in retrospect.

The waiting room is occupied only by me. It's a private one and all it does at the minute is give me somewhere to wait and wonder, it's not a luxury. It's not often in my life I feel helpless, but that's how I feel right now. Glancing down at my watch, I see only a matter of minutes have passed since the last time I checked, even though it feels like hours. What makes it worse is that I'm alone right now.

I know Vince said he'd come down as soon as he could, but he has all the dirty jobs right now. Phone calls to make and breaking some bad news to good people. I'd hate to have to do that, I don't think I could. I know he's had to break worse news than this though, and I guess that's one thing to be thankful for, that this situation isn't as bad as it could be. But it's still bad.

I'm sure Shane'll come down as well, but he'll probably wait for Vince, help clear up the mess left behind as much as possible. There's a lot to do back there, and I feel a twinge of guilt that I'm not there helping them. The told me to go, practically pushed me in the back of the ambulance and at the time, I was too shocked to fight them, but having nothing to do here, it just makes it harder. But I know I couldn't have helped them do what they're doing right now. I'm too close. Dammit, I don't know how Vince is doing it.

I don't think anyone else will come down. Not tonight.

It's not that some of the guys don't want to come down, it's just well, when Shawn's family get here, they'll want to see him and the guys would just feel in the way. I already feel in the way and Rebecca's not even here yet.

I hope she can get a flight out soon. I'm sure Vince'll send the jet for her if she can't. He'd do that for anyone in the situation. I guess Shawn's parent's will come down too.

Every now and then I hear the click as the heels of a nurse hit the hard floor outside, and I keep gearing myself up, waiting for them to come and speak to me. I wonder if they will speak to me though. It's usually family they talk to, but there isn't family here right now. I guess if they don't I could always try and persuade them otherwise. Whenever Shawn comes around, I wanna be there for him, don't want him to be alone.

I suddenly get butterflies in my stomach, something that doesn't happen often as I recall the last conversation I had with Shawn before all this happened.


	2. Broken Souls

**Broken Souls**

_'Lies, fear, **broken souls**, silent cries that no one can hear...just stupid scars left unseen'_

The best thing to come out of the DX reunion we've been doing is that me and Shawn have been travelling together again.

In theory we could have travelled together before this, but with Stephanie being pregnant, but still working for quite a while before she went on maternity leave, I obviously travelled with her. It was never a big deal for us, Shawn had always travelled with someone before now, but things had changed a lot while he was away for those four years, one of them being me and Steph, and the other being him. He enjoyed some time to himself now, gave him a chance to reflect more on the more religious aspects of his life, and of course, he'd think about his family.

When Steph went on maternity leave and while we were still teamed as DX there was no reason for us not to travel together. Years ago, when Shawn had been the face and me the heel, we had been banned from travelling together in case we were spotted together, even though I'd drive right behind him in my car. I guess if anyone questioned that they could have made the excuse I was chasing him in my car, ready to kick him ass!

Once we formed the original DX, me Shawn and at the time, Chyna travelled together. It was a lot of fun, even though we didn't do the same things. Shawn was still a bit of a party animal those days and it's never been my scene really, but sometimes I'd go along just for the heck of it. It's weird cause when Kevin and Scott were here, they used to watch out for Shawn a lot and even though I'm younger than Shawn, I still feel that at times I should be protecting him. It's pretty weird, but I guess that's why so many times I went out there and kept an eye on him. I still remember the state he was in after Syracuse, and even though he felt fine, it was still scary for us. Kevin, Scott and I heard about that before we even got back to the States, so we already had mental images of what he'd look like, although I can safely say that I think our imaginations all got the better of us and what we saw in reality was a lot better than what we'd imagined.

Anyway, travelling together now was a huge difference to back then. We spent a lot of it being dotting daddies, even though to begin with I was still a daddy in waiting, but not for long. Every little coo that baby Aurora made I would tell Shawn about and then he remember when Cheyenne did something similar or tell her latest cute story, or something that Cameron had said.

Yeah, DX on the road together this time was really different. We were like 'Daddy DX'.

When we arrived at the building in the early afternoon, ready for our usually Raw appearance, everything was fine. Shawn had maybe been a little quiet on the ride over but after asking if every thing was okay, Shawn said it was fine and that he was a little tired. Not surprising really. He'd been working a pretty busy schedule recently, not like when you're a champion, but for someone who's said he was going to slow down soon and has a bad knee, the pace was probably too fast. I guess with the DX reunion tour in full swing and the momentum with us, nobody really wanted it to be stopped, Shawn had made the decision a couple of months back to delay his knee surgery until the DX thing was over, but the way we've gone down, I guess the runs going on longer than we planned.

I remember having asked Shawn about his knee, if he was sure carrying on was the right thing and he'd said that it was fine. Said he'd cope. He'd done it thousands of times before, wrestled hurt and there was no reason why I thought he couldn't do it this time, so I thought no more about it. I guess I could probably look deeper into those words now and see a warning, but it was just everyday conversation at the time and I just dismissed it for face value.

We went about everything as normal. The build up to the match was normal, the match was fine and we came back as usual and I went off to shower, as did Shawn.

That's when everything hit the fan. I can't even tell you what happened really. I had my shower and talked to a few guys and went to see Shawn. Nothing unusual about that. When I got to his dressing room there wasn't any water running which I didn't expect because Shawn was never one to hang about showering, you get in and out and leave fairly quick. Who'd want to hang about showering in a grubby locker room? I knocked on the door, so if Shawn was changing he had a chance to get himself decent and after a few seconds, I went in.

I guess between seeing Shawn and taking in what was actually before me, there was some sort of delay, because my mind sort of went blank and I just stared. I think I called him name, but I can't tell you that for sure, but then it was like someone took a run up and kicked me in the ass because I just started yelling and ran over to Shawn. There was blood everywhere, at least there seemed to be, but I ignored that best I could as I looked at the wounds that caused it. There's one place you always check when you see a lot of blood coming from someone and that's where I found what I expected. Checking the arm nearest to me and I couldn't honestly tell you if it were the right or left, I looked at Shawn's wrist. Sure enough I found a gash on his wrist and blood steadily pumping from it.

His other wrist displayed the same mark.

My yells had drawn a few people over and within minutes someone who knew what to do was in the room. Probably one of the paramedics that are always on hand just in case something unplanned happens. Not like this. Nothing like this is supposed to happen.

Someone says something about stopping the blood flow and I think they bandaged Shawn's wrists, they definitely put something on them to soak up the blood and try and stop more leaking from him.

A few other guys had come along by that time, everything seemed to turn chaotic and confusing. I can't remember much after that.

I remember Shane came down, looked white as a ghost and kept asking me if I was okay and at some point Vince came by as well. He looked like he always does in situations like this, more together than you could imagine but very concerned too.

Time seemed to go by too quickly because before I knew it, Shawn was on a gurney and they were rolling him out towards an ambulance.

Vince had shouted at a lot of the guys, people who had just come by to see what was happening and told them to get back to the locker room. A few had stayed, like Ric who was here because he cared and wasn't looking for the latest scoop or gossip. He liked Shawn and me and was concerned about what had happened. I guess most people were concerned, but for different reasons.

I'd just ambled along beside the gurney until they got to the ambulance and watched in stunned silence along with the others there as they loaded Shawn into the ambulance.

One of the paramedics asked "Who's coming with him?"

Vince's hand laid on my shoulder. "You need to go with him." he told me as he began leading me to the ambulance doors. I didn't say anything. I guess shock was setting in just then.

"Let us know if you hear anything." Shane says, and I see him walk off, Ric going with him looking serious and concerned. I didn't give a second thought to what they were doing, but I guess they would go off to search the room where Shawn had been, see what happened.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Vince said. "I'll let his family know. Don't worry about anything." With that the ambulance doors had closed and we'd left Vince behind.

It was as we began to make a silent journey to the hospital that I noticed Shawn's blood was on my hands.


	3. Feel Pain

**Feel**

_'I'd rather__** feel**__ pain, than nothing at all.'_

I was completely caught up in my own world when the door opened.

I looked up expecting to see a nurse or doctor ready to see me, instead I see a much more welcome sight, my wife.

"Shane called and told me what had happened." Steph says as she comes over and hugs me. It's amazing that it's just what I needed and exactly when I needed it. I feel truly grateful that we weren't far away from our home on this event, although I wish we'd been in Texas for Rebecca and Shawn's parents. Steph hugs me for a long time before we finally part.

She looks at me carefully, smiling but there's worry behind those eyes. "Have you heard anything yet?" She asks.

I shake my head no. Looking at my watch I see it's been about an hour sine we arrived. Surely it shouldn't take that long for them to come and see me? Maybe it's worse than I thought.

"Do you want me to see if I can find someone?" Steph offers. She knows how much Shawn means to me. They're pretty close as well of course, I'm lucky in that respect, but it's different with them.

"No, just stay with me for a while." I ask, wrapping my arm around her waist as we sit together. I rest my head against her body, feel the warmth she offers me. I realise how much I need her here at this moment. We let the silence stay with us for a while before I break it. "Where's Aurora, with your mom?"

Steph sits up a little so she can look at me. "Oh, it's nice of you to finally remember your daughter." She smiles gently at me. "Yeah, mom said she'd stay at home so if anyone calls there's someone there seeing as she thinks we're all probably be gone a while."

I nod my head. I'll have to remember to thank her for that later. After all this is over.

The door opens again, this time it's who I'd expect to see. A nurse comes in, closing the door behind her. She's short and has a pretty thick Jamaican accent when she speaks. "Are you with Mr. Hickenbottom?" She asks. I stand up, letting go of Steph and nod my head. Steph gets up too.

"He's awake now if you want to visit him."

"Oh, okay." I answer, slightly surprised. I guess it's a good thing. I expected something else.

"The doctor will come and speak to you soon, when his family gets here." The nurse explains a little further. "If you need me, you press the buttons in the room and I'll come, okay?" I nod my head.

"I'll stay here, in case anyone shows up." Steph says, sitting back down. "Send my love."

I nod at her and then follow the nurse out the room.

She leads me down the corridor to a room. I count in my head as we walk along, so I know which door it is. The fourth door we come to is where she stops.

"He may be tired because of the pain killers the doctors given him." Once again I just nod in response, she probably thinks I'm some idiot who can't string a sentence together.

Then she opens the door. "You have a visitor, darling." She says as the door opens fully and she steps inside. I follow her in, and move to the bed where a seat is awaiting. She smiles towards me and closes the door behind her as she leaves us alone.

Shawn looks to me. He looks tired and definitely spaced out right now. Okay, I guess this is where I have to start talking to him, right?

"Hey buddy." God, what a lame start! I'm desperately trying to steer away from the 'how you doing' death trap. "Jeez, you'll do anything to get out of work, won't ya?"

His lips turn up a little at the corners, but that's it. He closes his eyes tiredly. My eyes wander down to his bandaged wrists and almost as though I shouldn't look, I snap my eyes back up to his face.

He looks peaceful, laying there still and silent.

A few more minutes pass with me saying anything that comes to mind before I realise Shawn's sleeping. He's breathing has changed to deeper breaths and I decide to slip out so as not to disturb him. I make sure I don't scrape the chair across the floor and close the door silently behind me. I see the nurse as I leave, and let her know that he's asleep. She makes some comment about that being the best thing for him, which I just say a vague 'Ah-ha' to before going back to Steph in the waiting room.

When I enter Shane's there too, chatting softly with his sister. "Hi." I say automatically.

Shane smiles at me before asking "How is he?" Obviously Steph had told him I was with Shawn.

I move and sit opposite them, shaking my head ever so slightly. "Hard to tell, he was asleep nearly the minute I got in. He didn't say anything."

Silence hung in the air once again and I was getting a little agitated by its reappearance. I wasn't sure how to break it but needn't have worried, for Shane was the one who did it this time.

"So, what happened?"

Great question. I think I preferred the silence. "You're guess is as good as mine. We both saw the same thing." It was an answer without having to really answer, I guess. I didn't want to have to say what I thought was probably right. The thing that Shane and Vince would have thought.

That Shawn had tried to kill himself.


	4. Without

**Without**

_'Depression is merely anger __**without**__ enthusiasm'_

I sat with Vince, Shane and Steph for a while before I felt I needed to be back in with Shawn.

I didn't like the idea of him being alone when he woke up, even though I still wouldn't know what the hell to say to him.

I'd been sitting with him for nearly an hour and a half before he came back round again. He was much more with it this time, his eyes seemed clearer when he looked at me, but he didn't look at me for long. I'm sure I saw something flash in them, anger, sorrow maybe guilt? I couldn't be sure, but it was something I wasn't use to seeing when I looked into his eyes and it kinda made my heart skip a beat, and not in a good way.

I let him lay there for a long time, just getting used to things, where he was and stuff before I tried talking to him.

"How you feeling?" I asked. Okay, so obviously the answer was 'like crap', but I still had to ask the question.

I didn't get any response though, Shawn just kinda ignored me. I knew he heard cause I could tell from the way he was looking, trying to find something to look at to keep from looking at me. I guess he knows that soon enough the questions that he can't answer will be coming.

"Er, Vince and Shane are here. You wanna talk to either of them?"

"I don't wanna talk to anyone." Shawn's reply, although I was glad he said something, wasn't what I wanted to hear. His voice was quiet and flat, not like the guy I know at all.

"You know Bec's on her way too. You gotta talk to her." I remind him.

He lays there for another long amount of time just staring ahead, before he starts to sit up a little. He rests on his elbows for a minute before sitting fully up. Suddenly he's removing the sheets and making a move for the edge of the bed.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask.

"What's it look like." he answers. It looks a lot like he's about to get the hell out of here, and I don't think it's a very good idea.

"Shawn, you can't leave."

"Why? What are the doctors going to do now? Nothing, I'm fine to go."

He kinda has a point about the fact that there's nothing the doctors can do for him now. Well, at least there's nothing _these_ doctors can do. I'm thinking of an entirely different doctor that Shawn could pay a visit to right now, but I'm not about to tell him that. "Okay, hang on a minute. Let me..." I trailed off. I was going to say 'let me help', but that wouldn't go down well I'm guessing.

"Look, don't go. What am I supposed to say to your wife when she gets here?"

"It's not like I'm fleeing the country, Hunter, I just wanna stay at a hotel."

"Okay, so let me go sort something out and them we can leave."

"We?"

"Yeah, me and you, I'll send everyone else home." Shawn looks doubtful at my proposal. "Look. I'm not leaving you alone, so it's either me and you, or everyone. You choose."

"Fine." Shawn says. I head towards the door to go sort out some arrangements and get a hotel booked but pause at the door, looking back at Shawn. He's still sat where he was on the bed.

"What?" he asks.

"You best come with me."

Shawn smiles at that, but it's not a good sign. His pissed but he's not saying anything. I guess his kinda insulted by me refusing to leave him alone, but shit happens, he'll have to like it or lump it. I wait for him as he gets up off the bed. He's wearing a t-shirt, jeans. There's blood on his shirt. Damn, he looks a state. The bright white of the bandages just makes you notice them ever more. The light blue tee he's wearing has turned a strange purple where the blood has dried. I notice Shawn's shaking slightly. The leather jacket I'm wearing isn't the warmest thing in the world, but it'll do. Taking it off quickly, I offer it to him.

"I don't want your jacket." He says.

"You're shaking, put it on."

"Yeah, it's not 'cause of the..." Shawn's looks at me quickly as he cuts himself off. His blue eyes have the look of a rabbit caught in headlights.

He looks down away from me, and gently takes the jacket, mumbling a very quiet thank you.

It's too big for him and covers his wrists completely. It's not the best fashion statement in the world, but it'll get him out of here. Us, it'll get us out of here.

"C'mon." I say as I turn the handle and step into the corridor. Shawn doesn't follow.

I give him a few seconds, but when he doesn't budge, I re-enter the room. "I thought you wanted to go?"

"I don't wanna see anyone." Shawn says, eyes fixed firmly on the ground in front of him.

"I'll go talk to them. Then we'll leave. No one will see you, okay? I promise you."

Shawn nods a little. I leave the room shutting the door behind me as if that's going to protect him. Too late, the damage's already been done. Sighing, I quickly walk down to the waiting room.

Everyone looks up when I come in. I want to get through this quick.

"Okay, he's awake and he doesn't want to stay here. I'm gonna get a hotel booked up until he's a little more... sorted."

"You think that's a good idea?" Vince asks.

"I don't know what a good idea is in this situation, but I'll play it by ear. I know Shawn doesn't wanna be here and there's no point trying to force him to stay. I won't let him out of my sight."

"What about Rebecca?" Steph asks me.

"I don't know. If someone can get hold of her, tell her what's going on..."

"Go." Vince says suddenly. When I just stand there, he stands up. "Go down and get in a taxi, go to the nearest five star hotel and stay put. I'll sort it out from here."

I nod my head and turn round. I step out the doors, Steph grabs my arm before I get too far. She kisses me on the cheek. "I'll see you soon."

I smile as she returns to the waiting room. And I head off back down the hall, ready to get out of here.


	5. Unforgiven

**Unforgiven**

_Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and __**unforgiven**__ hurts_

The ride in the taxi cab goes quick. The driver talks dribble at us without either of us paying attention.

We probably look like a married couple who've had a row, as Shawn's sitting as far from me as he can, looking out his window and I'm doing the same thing on my side.

Vince called me about 10 minutes after we left and told me the name of the hotel he'd booked us into. I spoke to the driver, made sure he was heading to the right place, which he was, and then we all stayed silent again.

Once we got there, I gave the driver a couple of bills, knowing it was more than enough and told him to keep the change, it's not like I care. We get out and make our way into the hotel.

Shawn hangs back a little and I give him a quick glance. I reach towards him and pull the jacket closed to hide the blood stains. He looks down and folds his arm across my jacket to do it himself and then keeps his head down.

It doesn't take long for someone to show us to our room as Vince had already sorted it out, got it all booked up for us himself. We get shown to the room and after the tipping's all done, I feel we can finally relax as the door is shut behind us.

The rooms very fancy, but still cosy. Not so flash that you can't relax in it. Some of the places we've stayed in before, especially when I'm with Steph are just too posh. I'm not into all the frills of it, all I want is a bed and I'm happy.

But all of the luxury didn't really matter right now, it was even more superficial than usual because no matter how pretty the room is, there's still a broken man in it and I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to do.

I watch as Shawn pulls my jacket off and dumps it on the bed, then sits down next to it. He's looking tired but that'll be mostly due to what the hospital's whacked him up on. A good rest will do him the world of good, well, it can't make matters worse I don't suppose.

Moving across the room, I flick the switch on the TV and begin flicking through the channels, looking for something to watch. I move to the bed and sit on the end of it as I search for something to take my mind off of my friend. He's still sitting there blankly looking at the screen. Reaching over, I grab my jacket and pull it across the bed. Before I get a chance to sling it across a nearby chair Shawn asks "Is it ruined?". I take a quick look at it. "Nah, it's fine. Why don't you get some rest?" I ask.

Shawn's not as defensive as he was earlier, I think the change of scenary has done him some good. Hopefully here he can relax enough to get some real rest. Shawn lays down, but he's eyes remain open, locked on the TV. I'm pretty sure that given time he'll drift off so I remain in search on some sort of entertainment. I stop searching when I find a cruddy soap opera, not my usual thing but the idea is for Shawn to sleep and I'm hoping this is likely to send him off. I stare at it intently, curbing the instinct to look behind me and see if Shawn's still watching, inwardly disecting this piece of crap for what it is. The storylines are over the top and I wonder why fans moan about the stuff **we** put on. With the exception of Katie Vick we're much better than a soap opera. It's not until the credit roll that I realise I kinda got caught up in the whole thing- geez and I was thinking this show sucked!

As the credits lead into the commercial I turn to see how Shawn's doing. I'm relieved to see him sleeping, getting the rest that he needs.

I mute the sound on the TV and just watch the images that go by.

And now, alone with the silence, I think about what's going to happen tomorrow.


	6. Fall

**Fall**

_'And if you jump, you just might__** fall**_

I'm not sure whether it's being a daddy now, but I wake up suddenly, not to a sound, but to movement. Something kicking off my 'spider sense' that there's something that I should be aware of.

As I peer into darkness of the room, I see a figure disappear into another room. It takes a few seconds for my mind to click into gear about where I am and who I'm with. "Shawn." I call out loudly, and I see a shadowy figure appear back by the doorway where it vanished moments ago.

There's silence for a few moments before Shawn speaks. "What?" he asks, not sounding too happy.

Now, how do you say to someone 'Sorry, I didn't want you to leave the room because I don't actually trust you alone right now?' Not easy. I opt for the less offensive "Whatcha doin'?"

"I was about to go to the bathroom." He tearsly replies.

"Don't be long, I need to go," I lie.

Shawn doesn't say anything else, he just walks away again and I sit there listening out for him, waiting for him to come out again.

I hear the flush of the system and stand up ready to go in for my fake pee... actually, now I've been thinking about it, it may not be so fake anymore. Shawn comes back in and just sort of stands there, looking in my direction, I get off the bed and make my way to the bathroom he's just vacated.

I go about my business as quickly as possible and get back out there with Shawn.

He's more or less where he was moments ago. "What's wrong?" I ask him as he continues to stand and look around.

"When are you going?" he asks me.

Ah. A nice subject for him to bring up. "Well, I wasn't really planning on going anytime soon." I say. He doesn't look too thrilled with hanging out with me all night.

"Well, can't you go anway." he asks.

"Yeah... not really." Uh-oh. I can see this is going to cause trouble. Shawn got this real pissed off look on his face.

"What do you mean by that?" He asks staring at me intently.

"Shawn, come on, I'm not gonna leave you... like this." I say, trying to word it as gently as I can.

"Like what? Am I incapable or something."

"No, but you're 'out of sorts' to say the least."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Shawn says, turning his gaze away to some far off point.

"You're right, I don't." I'll admit right now, I'm in way over my head here. He doesn't react to me still. "Talk to me." I ask.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"For God's sake," I say, instantly regretting the language in front of Shawn, "You tried to kill yourself, how can we not have anything to talk about?"

"I told you, there's nothing to talk about."

"Ok, so the fact that you could have left Becca a widow and you kids to never know their father is not even worth mentioning." I hit back, my temper flaring. "And your mom and dad I'm sure would love to have buried their son. It's every parents dream."

"Shut up." Shawn shouts back, but I can't stop now.

"No! I'm not just gonna let this go. How can you live with yourself for even thinking about doing this, huh? You hate your life that much? I thought Shawn Michaels loved his job." I need to push him, get the answers he's keeping to himself.

"I do." Shawn replies, on instinct.

"So it's your home life? Kids and wife ruining your fun, or maybe this religious thing is all just some gimmick. Wanna get back to being the old Shawn Michaels, huh?" Damn, I know I'm crossing a line here, but I need to get a reaction. There's something really wrong with him and I can't stand that he won't talk to me about it.

"No!" He fires back, I can see the resolve is starting to slip.

"So what is it then?" I ask, demanding, hoping he'll answer. "If it's not your job, and not your family what else is there?"

There's silence for a second or two, seems like longer because of the importance of what he has to say, and then the answer.

"Me."


	7. Going Through

**Going Through**

_If you're __**going through**__ Hell, keep going.'_

The words hadn't really sunk in, well word. A simple as his one word answer appeared to be, it really just opened up a whole new mess that seems too huge to deal with.

_He_ is the reason he tried to kill himself.

Shawn looks like he's in shock or something, like he can't believe he's let the cat out the bag. He's not saying anything, just standing there, frozen in one spot.

"How can you say that?" I finally ask, knowing that my surprise at his answer can't give him the time to recover his composure. I know he's always had issues with his self confidence, but I never thought they ran this deep.

"You don't understand."

"You're damn right I don't. Talk to me, help me to understand."

"I'm... I'm not alright."

Okay, I know I'm in way over my head. I knew that anyway, but I guess I'm in deeper that I ever imagined. I gently take hold of Shawn around his forearm and lead him over to the bed. "Lay down for a bit, get some sleep."

He lets me lead him across to the bed, but sits rather than lays down.

"What's wrong with me? Why don't I feel right?" He asks, sounding about as lost as I've ever heard him.

What do you say? "What ever the problem is, we'll sort it out."

"I was sorting it." Shawn replies.

"That's not how you solve a problem. Just go to sleep, for God's sake. Tomorrow, we start getting your head sorted out." I say in anger. I couldn't stop those words spilling out because I'm terrified for him right now. He stays sitting there, so I lay on the bed next to where he's sitting. He's shaking again, but I leave him to shiver. I'm actually really pissed with him and just wish I could tune out from all of this. Turn a switch and everything would just go away. I close my eyes willing everything to just be normal again. I opened my eyes and looked at Shawn. He still sat there, shaking.

"Shawn, come on, lay down." I use a soft tone, despite the way I feel because I know I won't get him to rest unless I try a little harder.

He still won't move from the spot he's sat in and as I watch him, he suddenly gets up and moves across the room in a quick, almost frantic movement. I stay where I am, waiting to see what he does. He goes across to the window, looks out although he won't be able to see much, just what the lamps highlight in the street below. And then he bursts into movement again, The table by the window is the first thing to go as he tips it over. Everything's at his mercy as he just smashes anything he can. I let him continue for a few seconds before I get up and grab him, stopping him before he hurts himself further. We seem to struggle for a few minutes before his struggles stop. I hear him gasp and look at him as I see one of his wrists has started to bleed.

"Dammit." I say, keeping hold of Shawn's arm, and dragging him across the room, back over to the bed. I push him forcefully down while I grab the first aid kit from the bathroom. I open it up and put it on the bed, before getting a chair and dragging it so I'm sitting across from Shawn. I grab his arm and take of the soiled bandage. A couple of the stitches had pulled out and the cut on Shawn's wrist, letting the blood leak from him. I pull out a bit of gauze and then a bandage and re-wrap his wrist. "We'll have to get this restitched tomorrow. Now, come let's get to sleep."

Shawn looks at his freshly re-bandaged wrist, shaking his head slightly he mumbled "I don't know." He looked at me and then moved across onto the far side of the bed, laying down facing away from me.

I get off the chair and push it away from the bed. I sit on the bed next to him, close my eyes and switch of the lamp. I hope this time, he'll stay asleep.


	8. Even The Best

**Even The Best**

_**Even the best**__ fall down sometimes.'_

I'm a little surprised when I open my eyes to see bright light in the room. Takes me a second to realise just where exactly I am and then it all comes back to me. What a night.

I turn over and see Shawn's still asleep. I watch his chest rise and fall a few times before I get up and make my way to the bathroom. Once I'm done, I make my way back through.

I'm not sure what I should do now, but I'm glad Shawn's getting the rest he needs. I go to my jacket slung across a chair and pull put my cell. I look at the screen to reveal 6 missed calls. Mostly from Steph, one from Vince. I call back Steph, seeing it's gone 7am and knowing she'll be awake. She's too used to the morning feeds to sleep past that.

I open the door to the hallway of the hotel, just so when I talk I won't disturb Shawn. After a couple of rings, Steph answers. "Hey." She says as she picks up, sounding relieved. "How's everything?"

"Not bad, considering." I say.

"How's Shawn?"

"He's sleeping. He had a bit of a temper tantrum last night, got a bit depressed but he'll hopefully feel a bit better this morning once he's had a good sleep."

"I think he might need more than a good sleep, babe."

"I know."

"Anyway, Rebecca should be there sometime this morning."

"Good."

"Dad's looking at some shrinks that he thinks might be able to help him."

"Uh-huh." I say, wondering if they have any idea how difficult Shawn will be with this.

"Okay, and we're heading over there in a bit. Me, Dad and Shane. Dad thought maybe we should stay nearby when Rebecca gets here just in case Shawn's... not feeling great."

"Good idea."

"Right, I'll speak to you in a bit... oh, er, hang on." Steph leaves me waiting while I hear a mumbled conversation faintly in the background. "Okay, we're coming over now, so we'll be there in about, half hour?"

"Great. See you then."

"Take care."

"You too." I hang up and step back further into the room, closing the door behind me.

I decide to take a quick shower and clean up. Once I'm done and I return to the main room and I see Shawn's still asleep, I flick the TV on, keeping the sound really low and call down for some room service, a man's gotta eat. I order myself a breakfast with coffee and ask for some chilled water. If Shawn wants to eat I'll get him something later. I tell them to leave the food outside and to knock quietly as my guest is poorly.

It doesn't take long for my food to be delivered and I eat it quickly, not realising how hungry I was until I started. Just as I finish up, I hear the sheets on the bed being moved. I turn and see Shawn's starting to stir. It takes him a few minutes to become fully awake and I watch as he begins to scan the room. A slight frown creases his features which increases tenfold when he sees me sitting on a chair near the bed.

"What are you doing here?" He asks.

Now at the minute he seems relaxed, especially after out midnight session, but I'm not sure how long it'll last if I tell him everything. "Sleepover?" I try.

He looks at me like I'm crazy as he goes to get out of bed and spots his bandaged wrist. It doesn't take him long to see that both are wrapped up. He looks at me, confused but with a genuine look of panic also on his face. "What's going on?"

"You don't remember?" I ask.

"Why would I be asking if I knew!"

"Shawn, you tried to kill yourself yesterday."

"What? Why would I do that?" Shawn seems to be genuinely asking _me_ why.

"I don't know. I was kinda hoping you'd tell me."

"I can't tell you. I don't know. I- I didn't do this Hunter."

Now I was really screwed.


	9. Bad Dream

**Bad Dream**

_**'**__I wake up, it's a __**bad dream**__.'_

"I thought you said he was doing okay?"

Steph looks a little accusingly at me as she seems the carnage in the room. The place is still wrecked from the night before and Shawn looks completely freaked out. "Steph, he tried to kill himself, how good do you think he's gonna be?"

Her eyes look past me and she frowns, concern evident. "I'm gonna keep dad downstairs. I don't want him to see this mess."

"He's already seen worse than this." I tell her, reminding her gently that he was there the other night. "Listen, I'll stick with him for now okay. I'll see if I can find anything out. We'll just take it one step at a time."

Steph nods gently, looks up at me and smiles a little.

"I'll go back downstairs. I don't know if we'll wait here a while. I'll let you know though."

"Okay." I wrap my arm around her and kiss her on top of the head, before letting her go. I return to the room, locking the door behind me. Shawn's position had barely moved from the slightly defensive posture he'd got himself into on the bed. I couldn't help notice how much he looked like he was trying to protect himself, although the doubt was starting to creep into my head as to who he was trying to keep away.

"We should go to a doctor and get your wrist stitched back up again today." I say. He looks at me without saying anything for a moment, so I prod him. "What?"

"Can I get something else to wear?"

It was a pretty simple request. "Sure. I didn't bring anything with us and to be honest, I could do with something new as well." As long as he was relatively calm, I was happy. And to be fair, we really needed something else to wear, seeing as the top he had on still was covered in his own blood. Not a great look. He had a gentle trace of stubble across his chin and jaw, but there was no way in hell I'd be letting him shave.

"We can do it soon?"

I shrugged. "Whenever you want, buddy."

"Now?"

"Sure." I said, casually. The sooner I can get rid of the bloodied top, the happier I'll be.

I walk over to the chair and pick my jacket up. Remebering there's just the one between us, I pass it over to him to put on. He takes it without acknowledging why he's wearing my jacket. Last time I had to fight him to put it on and this time not a peep. I start to wonder if he's started to remember yesterday. I'll have to pick my moment to grill him about what exactly happened. He does the jacket up, hiding the blood stains.

"Come on then." Shawn rushes me.

"Hang on. If we go down, there's a chance we could run into Vince and Steph. You want me to call Steph and asking them to stay away?"

"I-" Shawn starts but doesn't seem to know what to say.

"I'll call her and tell them to stay away." I say when no answer comes back to me. I step into another room and make the call. Steph demands to know where we're going and why I'm taking him out of there. I explain everything, tell her that I don't think Shawn will handle seeing them real well right now. She points out the fact that there will still be people out there who will recognise us and if I think Shawn will handle that any better. I know she's right, but what can I say to Shawn, to stay in a bloody shirt for ever? Plus, he really does need to get stitched up again. We hang up and I can tell she angry with me. Don't know why I'm getting the flack here.

Shawn's still waiting for me when I come through and part of me wants to shout at him right now. It's his fault that my wife is angry with me. I swear he doesn't know how many people he's stressing out right now. Not sure he even cares much.

"Are we going?" Shawn asks.

"Just wait a minute." I snap at him, unusual for me. He's testing me right now, I swear. I take a breath, mutter an apology which probably sounded about as insincere as it felt and tell him that we'll just go.

He doesn't say anything, and I look at him. His face is a blank canvas, nothing showing at all. Even his eyes are fixed in a glossy stare.

I know if I ever want to find out what happened I need to relax and let him open up to me, not be the cause of his closing off. I open the door ready to leave, but block the path. "I'm really sorry, Shawn. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"It doesn't matter." He says. "Can we just go?"

I nod, hating myself at that moment. Damn, if Steph knew she'd be even more pissed off with me.


	10. Crumble and Fall

**Crumble and Fall**

_'See me __**crumble and fall**__ on my face'_

Unlocking the door I was glad to get back to the hotel room, although remembering the state it was in, it didn't last long.

Sighing, knowing that'd I best tidy it up, I put the bags down on the bed and began to pick up the mess. Shawn decided not to help me. He's been sour with me the whole trip out and had ended up not picking out anything new to wear, so I'd ended up grabbing him a new t shirt and jumper.

I had to drag him into the hospital more or less for the stitches to be re done. The nurse who did them looked equally terrified and sympathetic. It didn't take long and we were on our way back.

Shawn dropped himself on the chair and dropped his head down. I watched him while I picked a few things up, making sure he was okay. He stayed that way, so I carried on tidying up. It didn't take too long to get the place back into decent shape

Once everything was back to normal, I pulled out the change of clothes I'd got for myself and left Shawn's on the bed while I went through to the next room. "Shawn, why don't you change clothes, man." I poked my head back round the corner and added "Or do you wanna take a shower first?"

Shawn looked up at me, a look of confusion on his face. "What?" he asked, tersly.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

"Can I not make decision for myself now?" Shawn said.

"I'm changing." I said, ending what would otherwise become an arguement.

Everything was so hard. I can't imagine how we'll co-exist together much longer and if we manage to, what will be left of our friendship.

I want to be more positive, but it's so hard right now. Shawn needs me to be positive for him, but how the hell can I be positive for him? Where's the positive in this situation?

I walk back through and Shawn's still sitting on the chair. I pick up the bag with the clothes I'd bought him and throw it next to him on the floor, not aggresively, just to move it. I let mysef relax on the bed, even though I don't feel relaxed. I look across to Shawn and his damn bloody shirt, it's nagging at me and I can feel the words escaping me before I've even processed what I'm gonna say. "Why won't you change?"

"I don't want to?" Shawn replies almost immediately.

"Well you wanted to go and get a change of clothes earlier."

"So?"

"So what's the matter with you? Are you that scared of seeing what you did to yourself?"

"I didn't do anything!" Shawn snapped in defense.

"Lie to yourself all you want, I can see right through you. I know you did it and that's why you can't bare to even look at yourself anymore." I feel myself losing control, but I don't care. I need to get to the truth because otherwise this'll kill us both. "All you have to do is look at your arms Shawn, the truths right there. You can see it, I can see it. Not looking directly at it changes nothing."

"Shut up." Shawn says dangerously.

I don't take the warning. "You did this and now you're gonna lie about it. I thought you were better than this, Shawn? I thought you were a good man."

And that's when everything stopped. That's when the masked dropped and the anger changed to grief.

And I was left wondering what the hell I'd just broken through too.


	11. Secret Scream

**Secret Scream**

_'A __**secret scream **__so loud, why did you let that happen'_

It's not often in my life where I've been caught short of having anything to say, but I felt it right now. It's not often that I felt so useless either and I can say that watching your best friend have a meltdown and not have a clue what to do doesn't make you feel real good.

I've known sure for years now, seen him at his best and worse and all stages in between, but I'm at a loss as to where all his misery is coming from. But where ever it's started from, it's not something from a couple of days or weeks, this has been building up for a long time.

Shawn's pretty much inconsulable right now and I let him get it out of his system as I just sit there being useless. There's not much I can say, he won't hear a word that I say because he's too wound up. I move over closer to him, taking a roll of toilet paper with me.

It takes a while for him to calm down enough for me to even try and talk to him. I struggle to try and think of what to say. But I know that I better be about as genuine and honest with him as I ever have, otherwise this could all go horribly wrong.

"Talk to me, Shawn?" I plead with him, hoping that the walls breaking down might be the start of me finally getting somewhere.

"I can't." He says weakly.

"You have to buddy, cause I tell you one thing, neither one of us is ever gonna leave this room until we get this sorted out." I pause for him to answer but he doesn't say anything. When the silence goes from seconds to minutes, I know I'm gonna need to help him out. I need to start gently, but none of this is easy to talk about stuff. "How long have you felt like this?"

He shrugs as though he can't answer, but after a few minutes, he tries to get answers for me. "I don't know." He can't look at me as he struggles to answer.

"Did anything happen yesterday? Someone upset you?" He shakes his head in denial of that. He sure as hell isn't making this easy. "Okay." I say. "So, why was it yesterday that you decided to... you know?"

"I didn't really think is through." He mutters quietly. "It just kinda happened."

"What were you feeling?" I ask, not understanding where this self hatred came from so suddenly, at least from an outsiders point of view.

"I'm just sick of it." He said. "I'm just gonna ruin everything. Rebecca and the kids don't deserve that."

"Those kids deserve their dad."

"They deserve a good dad."

"Who they hell says you aren't that?" I say.

"No one says that. I just know. I can't be that for them. I'm not a good person deep down."

"Of course you are." I say, hoping he can't tell how my voice got caught in emotion just then.

"No. It's just.. not. It's not me. I don't wanna do it any more. I just wanna... stop. Rest."

"So take a vacation. Relax. Take a year out. Quit if you have to, but don't throw your whole damn life away."

He goes quiet again. "Shawn." He actually looks at me, the first time since he broke down and his eyes look hollow but so damn vulnerable. "Those kids deserve to know a life with their dad. Rebecca deserves to live with the guy she loves."

"That's just it though, she doesn't know me. She thinks I'm changed, but I'm not, I'm still the same. She's so much better than me."

"You think she'd stay with someone who wasn't good for her and her children? Shawn, I love ya buddy, but if you think she'd think of her own feelings for you above the lives of those kids. 'Cause I gotta tell you, if she thought you weren't good enough, she'd be outta there and you know that."

"I'm tired." Shawn said, changing the subject some what.

"Well, maybe you should get some sleep."

"Yeah." Shawn said. He didn't move from where he was. I watch him and see the tears well up in his eyes again. He doesn't speak or anything, so I gently grab hold of his arm and lead him over to the bed. The fact he's letting me just drag him about without fighting it says a lot. He's not a placid person by nature. He lays down as soon as he gets to the bed. I move round to face him.

"You'll be okay, you know? We'll get you through this." His eyes lock with mine and I see maybe the faintest glimmer of hope. Or maybe I'm seeing things. I'm going crazy locked up here with him and this whole mess is fucking with me.

"What if I can't do it?" He asks.

"I'm not gonna let you fail." And that's a promise I'll keep, no matter what I have to do.


	12. Everyone Gets Scared

**Everyone Gets Scared**

I know that **everyone gets scared**

The sound of the TV in the background stirred me from sleep.

I open my eyes wearily, adjusting to the light in the room. It's sunny, middle of the day or something. I sit up and look at the time. It's gone two in the afternoon. Didn't even realise I was so tired.

And then it hit me like a truck.

"Shawn?" He wasn't anywhere in the room with me. Jumping off the bed quickly, I went to the bathroom, my mind already conjuring up a mental image of what I'd find in there. Shawn, bleeding on the floor, unconscious. I felt relief hit me when I saw an empty room. But it was short lived because I still didn't know where the hell he was.

Panic hit as I realised I just had no idea where to start. We weren't in his home town, so I wouldn't be able to go to any usual places he'd mentioned. He wasn't even in the right frame of mind to be out alone. I pulled my sneakers onto my feet quickly doing up the laces. My coat was gone, he must have taken it with him.

I rush out the hotel, realising I have no idea where to go, I hail the first taxi I can and get in. He waits for me to tell him where to go and my mind is trying to think like Shawn. I don't know how Shawn thinks any more, so it's pretty near impossible to do. There's only one place I can think of. "Take me to the nearest church."

It doesn't take long to get there in the silent journey over there. I pay the guy and get out as quick as possible and over to the church. I've no idea what I'll do if he's not in here. My hearts thumping as I go through the doors. The place is pretty small, the rows of pews stretch out in front of me, and I almost falter as I step in there when I spot a familiar figure on the back row just staring ahead. Relief hits me like a ten tonne truck, and I move straight over to him.

"Shawn, you scared the shit out of me." I say, rather too loudly I realise when I get a few odd looks from people futher down. "I'm sorry." I say. I sit down next to him, looking at him carefully. I guess I was hoping to see maybe some peace with him now, but he sure isn't showing it. "I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't been here. You shouldn't have just gone off like that."

His silence started to unnerve me a little. It was direct question time. "So, why'd you come here?"

"I thought I might feel different if I came here."

"And?"

"I don't." He looks very concerned for a moment before he continues. "When we were sitting at that hotel and just watching TV, you were so tired you just fell asleep. And I knew you were because of me... because I was stressing you out."

"You're not stressing me out." I say to defend him, but realise I should let him speak. Who the hell am I defending him from? Himself? He already hates himself enough, I need to know what I'm dealing with in as much detail as possible, so I mentally decide to keep my mouth shut, whatever he has to say.

"When you were sleeping, I changed my shirt. And I had this... blip. I don't know what happened really. Things just went... weird."

The words he's saying are freaking me out, but I stay silent.

"I don't know what happened, it's like there was a black hole and I_ don't_ know what had happened. But once I cleaned myself up, I knew I had to get out of there."

The words 'cleaned myself up' don't sit well at all. What the hell has he done now?

"I thought that if I was saved once, it could happen again. But I don't think I should be here." He's whispering to me a little now, like we might get thrown out if he's heard. When he didn't speak again for a long time I figured he'd finished talking.

"Shawn, what did you do?" I ask, calmly.

"What?"

"The blip you had. What did you have to clean up afterwards."

He looks away from me. Dead ahead stare. "Will you be mad?" He asks, his voice as innocent as a childs just then.

"No, I promise I won't be mad if you tell me."

He doesn't say anything, but pulls up a sleeve on my coat and then the jumper he's wearing underneath. He turns his arm over to reveal more cuts. There no where near as deep as the first two he did, but they still aren't pretty.

"Okay." I say and he pulls the sleeves back down quickly.

"Hunter?"

"Yeah."

"I need some help."

"Yeah." God dammit, yeah.

(-0-)

"I don't wanna go back to the hotel."

It was pretty much all I'd heard from Shawn since we left the church. I'd told him time and time again, trying to reassure him that we wouldn't go back there. When he still said it I started to realise what I said really didn't matter too much.

"Why don't we go in here, get some thing to eat?" I say, pointing to a small resteraunt. It's nothing fancy, but it's somewhere to go, something to do to pass the time.

"Are you hungry then?" Shawn asks.

I nod my head. "I could eat something."

"Okay." He says. We go in, find a quiet corner to sit in. We rarely go out just the two of us to dinner so it's kinda nice. Except Shawn's far from normal, but if I don't think about that, then it can still be nice. Shawn never even looks at the menu, so when the waiter comes over, I order food for both of us. He doesn't object to me doing it. Shortly after they bring a couple of drinks over to us. I thank them and we're left alone. There's silence between us with him not trying to break it and me not sure how to. The sound of my phone ringing startles him a little and I go to grab it. I search my pockets and come away empty handed. "Oh, I think it's in my coat pocket." I tell him.

Shawn's still wearing my jacket and searches the pockets until he finds my phone. He passes it across to me silently.

I look at the caller and see Kev's name displayed. I get a sinking feeling that I know what this'll be about. "Hey."

Kev's familiar voice comes through the slightly static line "Hey. I heard a rumour and needed to check something out." He says, voice serious.

"I know what you're gonna say man." I say, smiling to Shawn hoping he won't catch on that we're talking about him.

"So is it true?" Kev asks.

I laugh fakely, hoping Kev picks up on what's happening. "It sure is."

"Is he with you?"

"Yeah." I say.

"Right. Is he okay?"

"That's er..." I stumble a little on what the next words should be. "I'd say no."

Kev's quiet for a moment and I wonder what he's thinking. I can imagine how much worse it is being on the end of the phone and not even being able to ask any real questions. "Okay, I'll let you go."

"Yeah, listen I'll call you up later. I'm just out for lunch with a friend."

"Okay dude. See you later." I can hear trouble in Kev's voice. He's worried as I would be if I were in his shoes. Hopefully he knows that I won't leave Shawn's side.

Almost before I end the call, I hear the other chair scrapping back. I look to see Shawn getting up.

"Where you going?" I ask.

"I gotta go." He says, distracted.

"Shawn, sit down. Let's just have some dinner."

"I don't wanna stay." He says. He's looking at the door. He wants to bolt. I need to stop him from leaving.

I reach across and touch his arm gently and he flintches from the touch. Doesn't want to be touched. But he's looking at me and I keep my eyes locked onto his. "Just sit down. We're just gonna have something to eat, huh? Just me and you, nothing to worry about."

My phone starts to ring again and I quickly answer it, snapping slightly. "Yeah?" I say.

"Where the hell are you?"

It's Vince and he doesn't sound too impressed right now.

"It's a long story. We're at a resteraunt down town."

"Well you best get Shawn back here. His wife would quite like to see him."

"Ah crap. Is she okay?"

"She was pretty worried when we took her to the room and no one was there."

"I'm sorry, we... just... it's complicated."

"Look just get back here, okay." Vince hangs up on me. Sounds like I'm getting a load of crap when I get back.

I put the phone back in my pocket. "We need to get back to the hotel. Rebecca's here."

"She is?" Shawn asks. I can't tell what he's thinking right now.

"Come on."


	13. Suffer For My Sins

**Suffer For My Sins**

_'You're gonna __**suffer for my sins**__'_

"I'm so glad you called me back. What the hell's going on?"

I'm sitting in another hotel room. A different room to the one I've been stuck in most recently, but it's still a hotel room.

We got back to the hotel, Shawn went off with Vince to his room where Rebecca was waiting. I stayed in the lobby with Steph. It's funy that as soon as we got there, Vince took over. He kinda looked sadly at me and then Steph wrapped her arms around me and hugged me for a long time. I must look like crap!

But damn, it felt good.

I can't imagine that Shawn and Rebecca's reunion is quite like this. I feel for both of them, I don't know how they'll get through this. Steph told me she got us a room and we went up. I told her what had happened in brief details and she decided she'd go and get us something nice to eat. While she was out, I decided it was time to update Kev on what the hell was happening. Knowing how the rumour mill in wrestling works, I can only imagine what he's heard.

I'm not sure how to put all this into words and find myself faltering for an explanation to answer him.

"Paul?".

"I'm here." I say.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay." I say, not sure I sound very reassuring. I take a deep breath. "Er, I don't know what you've heard but he..." Damn, I don't want to say it out loud. Especially not to Kev. "He slit his wrists."

I'm met with silence. Seems everlasting.

"Fuck!" He says eventually.

"He's with Rebecca right now at the hotel. She's only just got here. I've been with him ever since he left the hospital."

"So what's he up to?"

"I don't know."

"You said you've been with him since he got out of hospital, he must have said something?"

"Kev, he's screwed up. I don't know where it's come from or how to fix it, but he's fucked."

"Should I come down?" Kev's over protectiveness of all of us kicks in.

"I don't know. If you want to."

"I probably wouldn't be able to help much."

"I don't think anyone is right now. There's just something wrong that's set him off, but he's never said anything to me that's helped. He said earlier he needed help but I don't know, it's like he goes from knowing what's going on around him and being aware of everything to being scared of everything and freaking out. What did he call it earlier... having a 'blip'"

"What's a blip?"

"I don't know, when he... when he doesn't know what he's doing I guess."

Kevin goes silent. For a long time.

"You still there?"

"I'm coming to see him."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"I'll call you when I've landed."

"Okay. I'll see you soon." I hang up and wait for Steph to come back and wonder how Shawn and Rebecca are doing.


	14. Resolution

Resolution

We'd eaten, had sex, talked.

In that order.

Right at that moment, I couldn't have wished to be with anyone other than Steph. The difference being with her, and just her completely out of work mode and away from the baby, it was so amazing. Especially after the time I'd spent with Shawn these last few days, this was heaven. Of course, nothing these days can last for long enough.

Steph's phone starts to ring and she picks it up and answers. I see Vince's name on display and wait for more bad news. That's all we seem to be getting just now.

The conversation between them is quick and to the point and Steph ends the call.

"Dad wants us back at Shawn's room." Her face is a picture of concern. The question of what Vince said dies before I go to speak it. I'm too scared to ask questions and now I'm too close to finding out for myself in a matter of minutes.

It doesn't take us long to get there. Vince is standing outside the room, looking a little freaked out, more so than I've ever seen him. The doors opened because I can just see Rebecca standing there too. Vince spies us coming and as we get near, he moves Rebecca away from the door and pushes me in.

"Just stay there." Vince says closing the door and once again leaving me and Shawn alone. In the seconds that I had before, I could see how upset Rebecca was and I guess that's why he wanted me back. If she was upset, that was more than likely to unsettle Shawn and that didn't take a whole lot right now.

"Hey, miss me?" I ask as I move over to where Shawn's sitting on the bed, looking confused.

"Why'd Rebecca go?" He asks.

"I don't know, but I think she was upset." I said. I sit next to him, and he moves away from me a little. Too close. I decide to distract him. "Oh hey, Kev's gonna come down you know."

"What for?" Shawn asks, defensively.

"Found out we were here, thinks he's missing out." I lie.

"He's gonna know about me, isn't he." Shawn says, statement rather than query and I can see he doesn't seem happy about it.

"Well, he'll probably have heard something by now."

"He's gonna be mad at me."

"No, he'll be worried about you, he might just be a little mad."

Shawn got up and walked across the room. "Everyone hates me." He blurted out.

"No they don't." I say, but watching him, I can see this has fallen on deaf ears. He needs to get out of here, this room's enough to drive a sane man crazy, who knows what the hell it'll do to someone in Shawn's state. "Wanna go out somewhere?" I ask.

"Where?" He asks, and I feel relieved he hasn't just rejected the idea flat out.

"I don't care, anywhere you want. I just feel like getting out of here, don't you?"

He nods his head. "Will we come back here?"

"Don't have to."

Shawn comes over to me, his pace quick as he gets right up close to me, only inches between us. "I don't wanna be here."

"Okay. So where are we going?"

"Anywhere. Can we drive somewhere?"

"Sure, whatever you want."

*

The radio was playing quietly as I drove along the deserted roads. It was late now, we'd been driving around for hours and almost as soon as we'd started driving, Shawn fell asleep. I wasn't quite sure where to go or what to do, so I just drove around mindlessly.

My phone flashed up a message and I decided to pull over and see what it was.

As I stopped the car, but kept the engine running, I saw a message from Steph. 'Aurora says night Daddy xxx.' I wished I could be there with her, tucking her up in bed and kissing her soft blonde hair. Sighing to myself, I type back a message, telling Steph I miss them both and I'll be back soon as I can and I love them. I want to be in both places at once right now. I desperately want to be home with my baby and wife, but I know Shawn needs me right now. It's weird, he can't handle being with Rebecca right now and where else is he going to go? It's not really my problem, but I'm sort of lumbered with him.

Damn, now I feel pretty crappy- I don't want to think of it as like that. I just want things to get back to normal, seems like it'll take a lot to get us there.

"Where are we?" Comes a sleepy voice next to me.

I turn to him, put the phone down. "Not sure really. I've just been driving around." He doesn't attempt to move from the position he's in and his eyes are still more closed than open. I don't feel much better. "I thought maybe we could find a place to stay the night. You look as tired as I feel." Shawn shrugs and I take that to mean 'great idea.'

The drive doesn't take that much longer. Maybe another half an hour or so of driving. I find a nice looking hotel and am regretful it is because not matter if it were some run down dump, I don't think I could have gone much further. We go through to the lobby and the hotel has a shop. Shawn seems to be intent on staring at it, so I tell him to go get anything he wants while I get the rooms sorted and give him a couple of notes to cover what he might want. He wanders over to the shop, still seeming to be half asleep as I get us sorted. One room, two beds later and we're set to go. Shawn's still in the shop, bag in hand now but he's absently staring at the selection of magazines.

"You ready?" I ask him. He looks at me like I've disturbed him whilst he was in deep thought.

"What?" He asks.

"Did you want something else?" I ask.

"No." He says.

"C'mon then, lets get to the room." I say, as we started to walk over to the elevator. "So what did you get?" I ask.

"T shirt."

We don't talk on the way up to the room, and once we get there, I go and clean up quickly. When I come back to the room, Shawn already laid out on one of the beds, clothes still on but his at least kicked his shoes off. He's eyes are open a little but he's beat. I switch the light off as I get on the other bed. Before I know it, I'm drifting off.

*

Some thing's not right. My brains telling me that before I'm fully awake, before my eyes are even open. I force them open against the heaviness that seems to be crushing down. The rooms dark and I can't see anything. I reach out until I make contact with the bedside lamp. Switching it on, I immediately glance to Shawn's bed. His empty bed.

Before any panic can hit me, I hear a coughing coming from the bathroom. He must have just got up to go to the bathroom, I tell myself, fighting back the fear a little.

"Shawn you okay in there?" I call out. There's no answer. I get out of bed and make my way towards the bathroom. I notice the bag from the shop on the floor, t-shirt fallen half out of it. I pick up the t-shirt and push it back in and notice a small slip of paper. The receipt. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I pick it up and look at it. T-shirt is on there, but as I see the other items on it, my blood runs cold. I drop it, racing over to the bathroom door, turning the handle. I'm almost surprised that it's locked.

"Shawn let me in." I call through, frantic. There's no answer from him. The doors not that tough, think I can make it through with one mighty blast. Steeling myself, I move backwards slightly before I crash all my weight into the door. It opens easily and leaves me confronted with my best friend on the hotel's bathroom floor, half a bottle of vodka beside him, packets of opened painkillers next to him.

**

The ambulance was on it's way, 5 minutes they said.

Shawn was conscious, and I knew it. He called me every cuss word he knew, he might even have made some up. I didn't care. I'd taken the bottle and pills from him, poured the alcohol down the sink, thrown the pills down the toilet and flushed and let him lay into me as he told me how he wished I'd just fuck off. I was numb to it at first, too shocked by what I'd witnessed, but the numbness was fading and I was starting to feel angrier by the second. I guess it's why I snapped so easily after him telling me continuously to go to hell, I just yelled back for him to shut up. It worked for a moment or two, until things just got worse.

"Don't ever tell me to shut up."

"Someone needs to start telling you what to do. Look at the state of you." I'm down at his level, but get up. "I can't even stand the sight of you right now." I take a couple of steps away from him, before stepping back again. "I'd walk away from you right now but God knows you'd probably just fail at another fucking suicide attempt."

It's weird, because although we've been through all this crap before, there's something completely different this time. Maybe I crossed a line, maybe what I said was too close to the bone for him, but in those few seconds it took his drink and drug addled brain to process them and understand what I'd said, his whole expression changed. The scowl started to soften and fade, and then just as suddenly he starts to cry. Good job, I think to myself. Tell the suicidal guy he can't even get that right! I start regretting what I've said as Shawn clambers to his feet.

"You wish I was dead, don't you?" He accuses me angrily.

"No, of course I don't."

"Fuck you." He fires back. "Why don't you just clear out and let me finish the job." I move towards him to try and calm him down. "Stay away from me." He yells.

"Shawn, just calm down now, okay." I say, my hand resting on his shoulder. I

didn't even see the fist coming as it connected with my face, but it was sure enough followed by several other blows. I backed up, trying to defend myself as I do. Shawn's screaming now, telling me to never touch him. The blows stopped coming and it's then that I realise we have company. I turn to see two paramedics looking rather alarmed at me.

"We got a call..."

*

For some reason, I thought things would calm down with the arrival of the paramedics. I don't know why I think that would work some kinda miracle, because it certainly didn't.

It took a while for one of them get up enough trust in him to just calm him down and get him to come and sit down on one of the beds. They assessed him as much as they could, but they knew that they needed to get him out of here as quickly as they could, but he wasn't in a good mental state, and Shawn's not a small guy so if he freaked out, he could really hurt them.

It's not long before the drink and pills start getting to him and he starts to lose focus. He becomes a lot more placid and the paramedics can start helping him. They have a stretcher outside which one of them wheels through. In mere minutes, they've got him laying down on that, strapped in and heading back out to the awaiting ambulance.

They quickly load him in and both clamber in, one in the back with Shawn, the other driving. The guy in the back, is doing a few checks on Shawn as I watch on.

"Is he doing okay?" I ask eventually.

"We need to get all this junk out of his system before it starts doing any real damage."

"How long til we get to the hospital?"

"Couple of minutes." Pointing the bandaged wrists, he continues "I take it this isn't the first attempt?" I shake my head, acknowledging what he suspects. "They don't tend to try too many times before they get it right."

"He'll be okay this time then?" I ask, trying to fight back the fear that took hold of me when he said that eventually he'd get it right.

"Barring further complications, he should be fine." Shawn is the further complication in this case. Taking a pair of scissor, he cuts away at the bandage around Shawn's wrist. He checks the stitches. He traces some of the other cuts on Shawn's arm, the fresher ones. He shakes his head a little, lets out a sigh. He gently lifts Shawn's shirt a little.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Making sure he's not hiding any other little treats out of view."

"He was kinda blatant about those, don't you think?" I respond harshly.

"I know what I'm doing." I guess I should feel reassured by that, but I don't.

My phone starts ringing. "Shit, sorry. I'll switch it off."

"You can talk, it's fine."

I've answered it before I even check who's calling. "Hello?"

"Paul, I'm just landing. Where are you guys?"

"Kev... er, can you call Vince and he'll tell you where they're staying."

"Where are you?"

"We took a little time out."

"There's something you're not telling me."

"I can't talk right now, man." Before I say anything else Shawn starts thrashing about on the stretcher. "I gotta go." I say discarding the phone in seconds as I move forward to be closer to my friend. "What's wrong?" I ask the paramedic.

He ignores me as he tries to settle Shawn down. I look at Shawn's face and fear is evident on his features. His eyes dart around, catching mine, but never recognising me, just blind panic. I almost don't see the tears running down his face as he struggles to escape. It's as the paramedic starts to calm him down that I realise he's almost chanting three words, over and over again, his voice quiet and almost a whisper.

"...don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me....."

And as I watch the paramedic back off and get me to sit back down as well, I hardly notice the tears welling up in my own eyes.

I sit there staring ahead at my friend, starting to put things together in my own mind now and none of the ideas I'm thinking are good thoughts. It takes a second for me to hear my name being called and for a second, I think it's Shawn. Then I remember how he never calls me Paul, I'm forever Hunter to him. So there's only one other person. I look next to me at the discarded phone. See that the call is still in progress. I ignore the trembling of my hand, if I don't acknowledge it, it's like it's not even shaking, and put the phone to my ear.

"Kev." I say softly, my voice sounding more pathetic and hollow than I'd ever want it to.

"I heard everything."

*

"His stomach's been pumped and we've given him a sedative to help calm him down and get some rest." I nod my head as I listen to the doctor rattle off what they've done with Shawn so far. "The nurse will re-dress the wrist wounds. I take it those were self inflicted?"

"I guess so."

"You don't know?"

"He told me he didn't do it. I guess that was a lie."

"Don't be so hard on him, he's obviously very troubled right now."

"Yeah." I say.

"I would recommend getting him to a psychiatric hospital. He needs help. Someone that can deal with this."

"Yeah, okay."

"Well, he should sleep for the next hour or so, but if you want to stay in there with him your welcome to."

"Okay. Thanks."

So there I was, left with the choice to stay in the same room with him again, or get a little distance in the time I had before he woke up. It was about then that I realised that despite all the shit from the last few days, I didn't want to be anywhere else. I had to see this through and not because of some weird sense of loyalty and that I had to do it, but because I wanted to. I wanted to make sure he was okay, I needed to see him start to heal, to make those first few steps of progress. I realised that we were miles from that right now but damn it if we weren't going to throw everything we had at it.

The only thing that still makes me nervous is the thought of Kevin and what he heard, what's going through his head.

My mind is going crazy thinking of what all this crap is about, but at least I'm here with Shawn, I know some stuff, I can go in there and see him. He's just left with his own imagination and hearing half a conversation in an ambulance. If things here weren't as bad as they were, I'd have called him back. But I wanted to be in the room with Shawn.

That's where I headed.

**

The gentle touch of someone shaking my arm gently wakes me from a slumber.

It takes a moment to remember where I am and what happened, but the peace I had for a few seconds quickly gets washed away when I realise where I am. I look to the person who woke me up and as surprised to see Kevin standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.

"I was hardly gonna wait for an invite with all this shit going on, Paul."

"Steph tell you where we were?"

"Yeah."

Kev turns to Shawn who's still unconscious. "What have they said about him?"

"They pumped his stomach, gave him a sedative and told me he needs a shrink."

"Like we needed a doctor to tell us that!" Kevin scoffed.

"Like he's gonna go." I add.

"I'll make damn sure he goes."

"You can't tell him what to do."

"You just watch me. Look, I know you two have become a lot closer these last couple of years, but when he gets stubborn he needs his ass kicked and you're too nice to do it, Paul."

"I don't think it'll be that simple."

"It won't be **that** simple, no. Listen, you go home or wherever, get some rest, see Steph, get a little distance from this. I'm gonna stay here with him for however long you need."

"I don't want to be away from him."

"You both need it. You need to see you baby and your wife. Do it."

"Okay, fine. But I'm not staying away long."

"A bit of space will do you good. And I'll call and text you with all the updates, okay? We need to start getting this 'problem' sorted."

I sigh, but I feel relieved. Finally, someone's here to sort this out. Finally I feel like we're going to make some progress.

**

I couldn't stay away longer than a day. Knew I wouldn't be able to.

I kissed my wife and baby as I left to come back to the hospital where my best friend lay in bed, healing and my other best friend sat over him, protecting. I felt safe with Kev being there.

I was keen and anxious to get back. I wanted to see Shawn for myself, see he was all right. I didn't tell Kev I was coming back, he'd probably try and talk me out of it if he knew. When I got to Shawn's room, I knocked and entered.

I was a little taken back when the scene before me looked almost exactly as when I'd left it. Sure it had only been a day, but I expected Shawn to at least be awake now. I looked to Kev, waiting for an answer. When nothing came from him, I spoke out. "He's not awake yet?"

Kev's eyes moved away from me to the prone body. "He woke up. They had to sedate him again."

"He was that bad?" I ask, voice feeling shaky.

He nodded, eyes fixed on Shawn. I notice he looks exhausted. Something happened here. I can tell he doesn't want to tell me what happened but I need to know. "Kev.... why'd they sedate him?"

He let out a long breath. "He woke up and was a little out of it. He kinda freaked when you weren't there and I was, but he calmed down quick enough once he realised that it was me there. I figured it'd be the best time to try and find out some info... maybe tough loves not what he needed."

When Kev stops, I have to prod for him to continue, although I can see he doesn't want to and I'm sure I don't wanna hear it. "What happened?"

"I screwed up. He couldn't take...." Kev stops, a slight wavering in his voice. He swallows, looks down. "He couldn't keep it together. I just.. I tried to push through, hoped that maybe I could get through to him. I just wanted to know...." Kev stood up moved across the room. "I wanted him to tell me, so I could help him. We've always talked, he's always told me everything."

Kev can't tell how worked up he's getting, his getting louder every word he says.

"But not this time. He wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't tell ME! So I-I pushed and pushed, I wasn't letting him get away with it. I was going to find out the truth. I'm not like you Paul, I won't just let him hide from the truth all the time. I'll _make_ him tell me!" He stopped the rant as he paced around the room, his face displaying a look of fury.

"And what did he say?" I ask quietly.

Kev moved past me and grabbed the door handle, pulling it forcefully towards him. He looked out for a second or two at the empty corridor beyond the room before he looked back at me, looked dead into my eyes. I could see a mixture of emotion caught up in them. I could also see the tears he struggled to hold back. "He said he was raped."

With that, he left.

**

"Sir, I don't recommend his removal from this hospital."

I ignore the man's plea. He keeps talking at me, but I just let it go by.

"You realise how serious his mental state is, don't you?"

I snap back. "After watching him wheeled in to hospital twice after suicide bids, yeah I get it's serious."

"Then please, reconsider his removal from here."

"Look, as soon as he came round he wanted to get out of here. I've kept him here a couple of days, I can't do anything else before he'll leave himself. If I take him now, he'll at least be with me."

"And I take it you're planning on booking him into a psychiatric hospital?"

"I haven't got that far yet."

"Sir, you have to realise that you can not talk him out of this. He's not just a little bit down, he's suffering with severe depression."

"You keep telling me."

"He's trying to kill himself. He is going to succeed if you don't get him help."

The words stung me, but I knew I had to do this. "I'm taking care of it."

**

"No, he said about going home so I'm calling Rebecca as soon as I can and she'll send the kids to her parents or something." It was nice to hear Steph's voice, even if it was on the phone and not in person. Another damn hotel room but soon we'd all be back to normal I hoped.

"What about the house?" Steph enquired.

"She's done the best she can to make if safe for him, but there's only so much she can do. She thinks she'll be able to talk him into going to a psychiatric hospital, but she said if he doesn't... well, she might have to commit him."

"News doesn't get better, does it? So, is there any idea why he's gone so... you know."

"Kev said something, and I don't wanna believe it but...."

"Tell me." Steph urged me.

I look at Shawn in the room. He's still sleeping from the look of things. "I'll talk to you about it later, it just doesn't feel right just now."

"Just keep me updated okay."

"Sure."

**

It was all planned. I knew exactly how everything would pan out. Shawn and me would talk, I'd convince him to go back to Texas with me, he'd talk to Rebecca, see that he needed to get well for his family and do some therapy for a bit. And eventually, we'd all get back to normal.

If only this were some story or crappy film and not real life.

When Shawn woke, he seemed to take forever to rouse fully. I guess he's got a fair few drugs in his system still working, but once he finally got up and sat up in bed I realised he was about as good as he was going to get. I attempted conversation with him and I'd hardly get a response. Occasionally I'd get an almost grunt in response. It started to hit me, the longer I stayed with Shawn this day, the strong my realisation was getting. The doctor was right; I was in way over my head here. I started thinking back to when I first got Shawn from the hospital after his first attempt. He was angry and scared but dammit he was a million miles away from the shell that was sitting on the bed, barely speaking, barely living.

My own selfish need to help make Shawn better had made him worse. I should have left him with Rebecca. She'd have taken care of him better than me, damn it couldn't be any worse than I'd made it.

I sat in the same room as him, watched him as he sat staring at nothing. It was almost as if someone had removed all the life from him. I guess it was me. Keeping him with me rather than getting him help as soon as I could I'd pushed him further and further

He'd even shown me he was slipping when he showed me his arm at the church, and what did I do? Drag him back with me so he could try again.

Puling the phone from my pocket, I call Steph.

"What's up?" She asks.

"Get Vince to find me the best psychiatric hospital around here. I'm taking Shawn in."

"I'll do it right now."

I hang up, not even saying goodbye. I know the next bit's not going to be easy. I look at my contact list and scroll through. 'Rebecca' reads the display and I hit the call button, waiting for a conversation to start that I never thought I'd have to make.

**

Stephanie walked into the bedroom, towel drying her hair. She looked damn sexy to me. She smiled at me. She knew she looked sexy too.

Sitting next to me on the bed that I was laid on, she looked at me, her face shining with kindness, but eyes gripped with fear and worry. The smile dropped a little from her face as she prepared to tell me what was on her mind.

"Why are you here?"

Okay, so it wasn't quite the warm hug I'd hoped for from my wife, but I'd take whatever I could get.

"I live here." I replied, smiling to myself at the flippant answer that slipped from my mouth before I could stop it. "At least temporarily."

"You've been with Shawn this whole time. You came away for one night and couldn't bare being away from him... and now, you look like you're never moving off that bed. I don't get it."

"I realised that I can't help him."

"So that's it. I'll commit you and then go?" Stephanie asked.

"I don't know what to do."

"You're not supposed to cure him. You're just supposed to be there."

"Kev couldn't take it. You know, through all the stuff we've been through, it's always me and Kev sorting everyone else out. And he couldn't stay. And I don't want to either. I wanna be at home with you and the baby. Rebecca... she can cope, she's strong."

Steph reached for my hand and held on to me. "I don't need you to tell me what's happening. But someone needs to tell Rebecca. She needs to know what she's up against. One minute we're thinking Shawn's gonna be fine, the next he's a basket case trying to kill himself again."

"I can't tell her."

"You have to. Who's with Shawn right now?"

"No one." I say, guilt stabbing at my heart as I thought back to how I handed him over at the hospital and left without a word.

"We can go back. Me and you and wait for Rebecca to get there. And then talk to her. I'll be with you every step of the way if you want me there."

I lean over and kiss Steph, so grateful she's here to talk sense into me. "Thank you." I say, a quite whisper. "I'll do it. But I'll go alone."

"Okay. But you know where I am if you need me." I kiss her again, and then just hold her, enjoying the warmth and comfort from her while I can. Before I force myself to go back to another, cold clinical hospital.

**

"What the hell do you mean, he's not here?" I can hear my own voice raising higher that it should be, but I don't give a fuck. Here I am, here to support my best friend who I dropped off a few hoirs ago and he's not even here.

"Sir, if you'll just calm down...."

"He was here, I bought him here myself...."

"I understand that. The quicker you stop shouting, the quicker I can find out what's happened, so please, sit down and wait." The nurse is letting me know she won't take any crap from me. I back off and let her go and find out what's happening. For my liking she was gone far too long, but I guess it was only a few minutes.

"Okay, it seems that there's been an error with a booking here. It was believed that the man you bought in wasn't supposed to come here by the staff when I can see that he was booked in by someone earlier today. He was sent back to St Paul's Hospital, which has a psychiatric ward there. He was taken by an ambulance from here, so he's in no danger."

"You have no idea. The man's suicidal, he shouldn't be left on a ward."

"The doctor's there are very capable, they will know how to take care of him."

"His place here is still open?"

"Yes, of course."

"I'll be bringing him back here as soon as I can."

*

The floor in the bathroom was cold.

It didn't matter though because apparently it was where Shawn wanted to sit and so that's where we sat. I sat close to him, but not too close. That's how Shawn liked things to be, from what I could tell. I watched him tense up when I'd opened the door, him not knowing who was coming in with him, and I saw a little of it ease when he saw me, but not completely.

Before I moved another inch, I laid it on the line for him. "You scared the shit out of me."

He looks at me then looks away. He looks like he wants to say something but holds back.

Inwardly, I'm willing him to find the words, to speak to me. "I'm sorry." I get.

Even that feels like an achievement. "It's okay." I went and say next to him. Where we were now, me waiting for him to open up.

Shawn looks at me, something unreadable in his eyes. I can see the reluctance he feels to confide in me, to trust me fully like he used to, but he does still want to, that much is clear. He's trying. So I owe it to him to sit here and listen and wait for as long as I have to.

"You left me." He blurts out suddenly.

"What?" I ask.

"At the hospital, you took me there and you left."

Guilt stabbed at my heart at his words. "I just needed to go back for a bit."

"I needed you though."

"I'm so sorry." I say, now feeling like scum of the earth. "I'm here now. And I won't go anywhere. I promise."

There's a long stretch of silence. I glance at Shawn discreetly and he looks torn. Slowly, after what seems like a lifetime, he speaks.

"Something bad happened, Hunt. And I don't know how to deal with it." He half smiled at that. "Like that wasn't obvious enough." He takes a breath and falters, looking down at the ground.

"You don't have to...." I start, but he holds up his hand to stop me.

"Can I tell you?" He looked at me, eyes doubtful, but it wasn't a question to me, more a fear he spoke aloud. "Kev he didn't take it well....."

"You can tell me anything. I'm not leaving you whatever you decide." I say reassuringly.

"But you already know, don't you?" Shawn said. He smiled. "Of course you know. He told you, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did. He was scared, Shawn. He was scared because of what happened and he didn't know how to help you."

"And you do?" Shawn asked.

"Not got a clue, bud. That's why we're here right? I mean, sat on the floor in the men's room at a hospital isn't that average, is it?"

"Hunter, how do I get through this?" Shawn asked.

"I don't know." I say honestly. "Maybe we go back to that other hospital and get you checked in for a little while. And you start dealing with this whole thing in a better way, huh?"

Shawn nods. "I want to. I wanna be normal again. I hate this feeling, but it won't go."

"They can help. It's there job to make it go away."

Shawn looked around the room as if checking no one else was listening. "I don't like it when I'm alone." He almost whispers to me.

"Why not?" I ask.

"I don't know. It's like things get worse then. I don't know... I can't explain but I don't have control all the time. And it's worse if there's no one to.... reign me in. You were always good at that."

I smile. Damn I hadn't been that good recently. "I'll be around whenever you need me."

"I wanted to......." Shawn looks to me as though asking for help "... you know, when I came in here. I was gonna smash the glass, but there's no glass in here." something I'm thankful for. "I just realised what a mess I was. Always looking for a way out... and I don't want it. Not really. I just want my life back how it was."

I smile weakly at him. "It might not ever be the same as it was. But I'll help you get it as damn close as possible."

**

The door to the office opened and Shawn came out.

I saw a small card in Shawn's hand, the usual next appointment card. "How'd it go?" I asked.

He shrugged, not committing to an answer. He walked towards the car silently as I prepared to take him back to his house. It was part of a deal I made with him now he was back home, that I'd come down to the psychiatric appointments he had to go to.

When I started driving him on his way home, he finally spoke to me.

"Can we stop and get some food?"

"Sure? Where'd you wanna go?" I ask. It was something that I had learnt as well. Always let him make decisions and that way he's never forced into a situation he doesn't feel comfortable with.

"Drive through. I don't wanna get out the car." Shawn said.

The first one we came to was a McDonald's and as Shawn had no problem with eating from there, I ordered us before a couple of meals. We ate our food, again in silence. I left the radio on so that there wasn't any silence. I was a lot quicker at eating than Shawn was, he seemed to be contemplating whilst he ate, so I made sure I slowed myself down so that he didn't feel awkward if I was just sat waiting for him. Once we finished eating we sat there for a little while longer.

He reached across and turned the radio off and looked at me.

"I'm not supposed to hide behind things when I talk about... stuff." Shawn said. "He wanted me to make eye contact and not have any distractions."

I smiled a little. Every week after a session, Shawn would always put in to practice what he was told to do. He'd made some good progress.

"What else did he say?"

"Said he was pleased with my progress." I smile as his words echo my thoughts. "Said I should try and get back some normality."

"Well you've done a lot already." I say, praising his progress still. "But I guess more normal things is good, right?"

"Yeah." Shawn says. He doesn't seem to sure.

"So what does he want you to do?"

"Go back to work." Shawn admits.

I understand the hesitation in him, but it was bound to come about sooner or later. "And what did you say?"

"I said I didn't know how that'd work exactly."

"Why? What's the problem?" I prod gently.

"Well...." He hesitates. There's doubts and worry swirling in his mind and he knows he has to push through them and talk about it to help himself. I found the fact that one thing could change how he saw everything in his life now just terrifying. Not that I didn't understand it, but it just changed everything about him. He hangs his head as he mumbles "Vince won't want me back."

I see him close his eyes, no doubt kicking himself for failing his objectives by looking away whilst dealing with a problem. It was never easy to go against your natural instinct to protect yourself.

"Are you kidding me!" I say. "He can't wait to have you back. He was talking about your role in the company the other day."

"What did he say?" Shawn asks, curious. His eyes are on me again.

"Well, he figured you wouldn't want an on air role and well, he didn't actually come up with anything. He didn't want to decide anything until he knew what you'd want to do."

"He really wants me back?" Shawn checked.

"Of course."

"I think about it sometimes. The idea of stepping in a locker room again....."

"I'll be with you if you want me to."

"I only have to think about it at the minute anyway." Shawn said. "I'm supposed to wait and talk to him about it next week and how I feel about it."

"Well, you can maybe talk to Vince at some point about it if you're okay to. See what he said."

"Maybe." Shawn says. "I'm supposed to talk to Rebecca as well."

"Of course." I agree.

"She doesn't always like talking about this stuff, you know."

"Well, it's hard, you know?"

Shawn nods mutely. I watch as he traces his finger along one of the scars on his wrist.

"You feeling okay?" I ask him.

"Don't worry, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid." He says.

"What are you thinking of?"

"Nothing really. I'm just tired."

"Want me to take you home?"

"Not just yet." Shawn said. I wait for him to want to leave. I've kinda tuned out when he starts talking to me again. "You saved my life."

I'm caught off guard by the statement and nearly ask him to repeat himself, but stop. We look at one another, neither saying anything to the other. I get the feeling he's waiting for me to say something, so I just strong a sentence together. "Not... really, I just did what I had to do."

"No you didn't. You didn't more than that. You just..." Shawn stops, trying to find the words to explain himself. "If you hadn't been there for me, I wouldn't be here now. I know that."

I go to say something but I really can't think of anything to say. What can I say to that. The reality of it is he's right. But that doesn't mean I have to like thinking about all the 'if's' of the situation. "Look, I didn't do anything amazing. We're the clique right, we've always got each others backs."

Shawn smiled at the clique reference. He didn't say anything again for a while. When he did, he looked ahead, out the window. Looking at the outside world again.

"Okay, I'm ready to go home." He said finally.

I was ready to take him there too. And I'd get him there, because I promised him I wouldn't let him fail.

And I never let a friend down.

The End


End file.
